


행복했다

by Kihyunie



Category: Monsta X (Band)
Genre: Angst, Dysfunctional Relationships, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Manipulation, Mental Health Issues, Miscommunication
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-05-04
Updated: 2018-07-07
Packaged: 2019-05-01 05:47:41
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 9,394
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14513856
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kihyunie/pseuds/Kihyunie
Summary: Oh, so just tell me, are you still hurting // where did you come by all of these burdens // I’ve killed everything but my shame(Matt Maeson)Kihyun comes back nothing how he used to be.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> apparently I can only write hurt kihyun sorry not sorry

Seven minutes.

Changkyun’s hands are shaking. Somewhere on the other side of these walls the plane touched down, the baggage claim belt snakes its way around, the passengers must have gone through passport control.

Six minutes.

Changkyun looks at the message on his phone, a simple ‘almost there’ and nothing else. That’s what it’s been for years: monosyllabic answers, pictures of small miracles and ‘I’m fine’.

Until two weeks ago. Then it was suddenly ‘Changkyun, I’m coming back. Changkyun, can you come pick me up at the airport?’

Changkyun can still feel the relief that hit him in that moment. The anger. The small hope that maybe nothing will be wrong.

Six minutes and this nightmare will end. This two year nightmare that changed nothing, changed everything, changed Changkyun.

Five minutes, four minutes.

There’s a girl holding a pink heart balloon and she can’t stop smiling, stepping from side to side. Happy, so happy, so full of impatient anticipation, and Changkyun wonders if he’s feeling anything like that. If he should be.

Three minutes.

There are ghosts behind the milky glass of the arrivals exit now, coming closer. The doors slide open and there they are, the passengers of flight CA128, the ones who were lucky enough to get their luggage first.

Two minutes.

Changkyun’s heart races.

The girl shouts a name and a boy comes running, suitcase forgotten behind him. She jumps, he catches her, and _hey I missed you, I love you, I’ll never leave again_. People around them are smiling fondly; young love, they say. So precious, so pure. The girl is crying and so is her boyfriend, all wrapped up in each other. She lets go of the balloon and it floats towards the ceiling, a spot of colour in the perpetual grey.

One minute.

Changkyun drags his eyes away, focuses back on the sliding doors and there he is.

In a sea of strangers, faces Changkyun will never think of again, there he is.

Changkyun’s knees tremble when he steps forward and he wants to run like that girl, wants to be caught, wants to shout his name, but he can’t. His heart is breaking his ribs and time has never been this slow, dragging seconds into miles and miles, like the distance that’s been between them for two years is still there.

And there he is, with his black suitcase that’s littered with stickers from all the places that have taken him, all the places he’d wanted to be home instead of Changkyun, all the places he’d left him for.

He’s right here. Right in front of Changkyun.

The blood in Changkyun’s ears is so loud, his vision so blurry, he can’t even tell if it’s really him. He looks so different, like not a single day of the two years has been kind to him, and Changkyun wants to reach out and say hey, I missed you. I love you. Please never leave again. He’s choking on it, suffocated by all the words he hasn’t said, and everything is so loud, overwhelming, but he’s here. He’s here. That’s all Changkyun wanted, wanted him to come back in one piece, wanted him to say, I tried everything but I could never leave you behind.

‘Kihyun,’ Changkyun says, or thinks he says, he can’t be sure. Kihyun doesn’t react, just looks at Changkyun like he’s seeing him for the first time and Changkyun’s getting desperate.

He reaches out, just for a touch, just for a piece of reality that doesn’t feel altered by everything that’s happened. Reaches out to touch his shoulder but Kihyun’s faster, takes his hand. Takes his hand and doesn’t let go.

‘Kihyun,’ Changkyun says again, and again when Kihyun pulls him closer, when Changkyun can feel himself collapse against Kihyun’s steady chest. ‘Kihyun, Kihyun, Kihyun…’ I missed you, I love you, I loved you even after you left me.

Kihyun doesn’t say anything, just holds him.

 

Kihyun moves back in with them, with Changkyun and Hyungwon. He looks around the kitchen like he’s never been here and Changkyun nearly wrecks his brain trying to remember if they changed it that much but he comes up blank.

‘Welcome home,’ Changkyun says. ‘Do you want anything to eat? You must be hungry.’ _You must have been starving for months by the looks of it_.

Kihyun’s gaze flickers to Changkyun and away again. ‘I’m tired. I’m going to sleep.’

He leaves Changkyun and his suitcase in the kitchen, vanishes in his room, leaves Changkyun feeling like he’s made a mistake when he hasn’t done anything at all.

 

Kihyun doesn’t start unpacking until a week later. He moves through the flat like he’s a ghost, avoids Changkyun and Hyungwon and all the questions they have. Changkyun wants to give him time, wants to give him space to find his footing, get comfortable, but with every evasive answer his skin itches more. He wants to ask, where have you been? Why haven’t you ever said anything? How could you just vanish like that?

But he doesn’t. Not yet.

 

‘Changkyun, have you seen my wristband? The silver one?’

Changkyun almost forgets to pause his game, heart jumping with surprise. Kihyun’s standing in the doorway of the living room, hands folded together. For once he’s looking at Changkyun and after a week of almost no attention it makes Changkyun feel strange; all light and hopeful and stupid.

‘Uh, I think I’ve seen it in the bathroom? Next to the cosmetics box thingy.’

Kihyun nods and turns away. ‘Thanks.’

‘Kihyun.’

He stops, turns back, looks at Changkyun again. That’s all Changkyun wants: for Kihyun to look at him, not through him.

‘Huh?’

‘Do you want to, uh, go somewhere today? I mean, go eat somewhere together or something?’ Changkyun asks. He wants to know more. Why do you feel like a stranger to me?

Kihyun shakes his head. ‘Not today, Changkyun.’

Maybe because you left for years and never once told me how you were.

‘We really should!’ Changkyun calls after him. ‘Why not today?’

He doesn’t get an answer. Of course not. He never gets one.

 

‘What happened to you?’

It’s three am or four am, Changkyun doesn’t know, but he’s so tired. Tired of waiting for Kihyun to arrive. Tired of running after his answers. Tired of being the only one asking what they are, if they’re anything at all, if Changkyun still means anything to Kihyun when it doesn’t feel like he ever did.

‘Kihyun, what happened to you?’

‘Nothing,’ Kihyun says. But something did. Something, and he’s not saying what. He’s unrecognisable, the way he sits there with his hoody a puddle around him, like he hasn’t fully returned. Like he’s gone again or never came back. Untouchable.

‘Fucking _tell_ me,’ Changkyun snaps, gets up from Kihyun’s bed. The light is too bright, too yellow, too artificial and his eyes burn. ‘Don’t you have anything to say to me? It’s been, what, ten months since you’ve told me _anything_ and you – you think I’ll leave you alone? Now that you’re here?’

‘Changkyun,’ Kihyun says. He sounds annoyed. And tired. But what can Kihyun be tired of? He isn’t the one running after someone.

‘Tell me what _happened_ ,’ Changkyun says. ‘Why you won’t let me touch you. Why you won’t even look at me –’

‘Get out.’

‘What?’

‘Get out.’

They stare at each other. Kihyun’s face is made of marble, smooth and hard and nothing else. ‘Get out, Changkyun.’

Changkyun slams the door as hard as he can when he does but it’s still him who breaks.

 

Changkyun still remembers what Kihyun had said right before he left. Changkyun wrote it down, so he wouldn’t forget.

‘It feels like I can’t breathe here,’ Kihyun had said. ‘Like no place is right no matter where I go and I need – I need to go out there or I’ll go crazy. Do you understand, Changkyun? Do you know what it feels like to never be home?’

No, Changkyun had wanted to say. No, the only home I’ve ever known is you and that’s always been enough.

‘I have to leave, okay? I’ll come back but I just – I need to go away for a bit. Okay?’

And Kihyun had looked so lost. So tired and sad and lost, and all Changkyun wanted was to take that terrible weight of his shoulders.

‘How long is ‘a bit’?’ Changkyun had asked and Kihyun had shrugged, silvery tears spilling over his face.

‘I don’t know. As long as it takes me to feel okay again.’

‘Where are you going?’

‘I don’t know. Everywhere. Anywhere.’

‘I could come with you.’

Kihyun had shaken his head. ‘No, no, you finish uni. I just – I have to go be on my own for a while. But I’ll come back, okay? I love you. You know that, right? I love you so much. I could never leave you.’

I could never leave you, Kihyun had said. Had whispered it into Changkyun’s skin time and time again.

_I could never leave you._

_Then why did you?_

 

‘Are you not happy to be back?’ Changkyun asks. He feels Hyungwon’s surprised gaze from the other side of the table but he just looks at Kihyun, his quiet face, his dark eyes. ‘I thought you’d said you’d come back when you felt better but you look like, like you’re not feeling anything at all.’

The room is quiet. Everyone’s stopped eating and Changkyun can feel the steam rising from his soup.

Kihyun puts his spoon down.

‘Do you want to know what I’ve learnt, Changkyun?’ he asks. ‘It’s that the world is a terrible place no matter where you go and you cannot outrun it. And then I come back here and it’s disorienting to say the least, so I’m sorry that I’m not who you want me to be.’

‘You – what? You’re still _you_! I just want you to talk to me.’

‘I have nothing to say.’

‘Don’t you think you owe me some answers?’

‘I don’t owe anybody anyth-‘

‘I waited _two years_ for you! I waited even though you gave me _nothing_ in return, for months I didn’t even know where you were, I didn’t know if you were still _alive_ , for fuck’s sake! And you come back here and ignore me like – like I’m no one to you, like you’ve forgotten what you said to me. Don’t you think you could at least tell me what the fuck you’ve been up to?’

Silence. Kihyun won’t look at Changkyun, won’t give even an inch, like Changkyun’s asking for something completely unreasonable.

‘He has a point, Kihyun,’ Hyungwon says and Kihyun narrows his eyes at him.

‘This is none of your business –’

‘I’m your _friend_!’

‘Has anyone,’ Kihyun snaps, ‘had the idea that maybe I don’t _want_ to talk about it? That maybe I _can’t_?’

‘Oh, come on-‘

‘That maybe I’ve seen some – some really terrible things that I just want to forget?’

‘I’m sorry if that’s the case,’ Changkyun says. ‘But not everything is about what you went through, okay? Because you didn’t even tell us that you did. We didn’t know that anything terrible was happening because you left us thinking you were on some holiday trip to find yourself and you know, maybe we could have helped you. If it was so awful, why didn’t you just come back sooner? So yes, it sucks that you realised the world is a bad place, but you know what sucks, too? When your boyfriend or best friend or whatever leaves for _years_ , leaves you almost completely in the dark to make you worry every fucking day and then comes back to treat you like you’re a fucking stranger, like he hasn’t missed you and doesn’t know how much he hurts you – that, that really fucking sucks, Kihyun.’

Changkyun breathes out but his chest still feels tight and full. Kihyun is still looking at the table and Changkyun gives him a minute to say something but he doesn’t.

‘You’re a fucking coward,’ Changkyun says. He hears Hyungwon call after him when he speedwalks to his room but it doesn’t matter.

Changkyun doesn’t know what he expected Kihyun to be like when he came back but it wasn’t this. Never this.

 

It’s already late afternoon when Kihyun sticks his head into Changkyun’s room. ‘Can I come in?’

‘Depends,’ Changkyun mutters into his pillow. ‘Are you going to talk to me if you do?’

Kihyun comes in. The mattress dips a little when he sits down at the edge of the bed and Changkyun’s heart hurts with every memory that comes flooding back.

‘I’m really sorry for what I said and did, Changkyun,’ Kihyun says. His voice is quiet and thick, like he’s going to cry and Changkyun doesn’t think he can take it if he does.

‘That doesn’t make it okay,’ Changkyun says.

‘I know,’ Kihyun says. ‘I know, but I’m still sorry. I’ll tell you everything at some point but I – I can’t right now, Changkyun. I’m so sorry, but I can’t.’

Changkyun squeezes his eyes shut in hopes the tears won’t slip out. What happened to you, he wants to ask. What changed you into this quiet, sad stranger? Why couldn’t you leave the stupid world alone and just come back home?

‘I missed you so much,’ he whispers.

Kihyun sniffles. ‘I missed you, too.’

There’s a hesitant hand on Changkyun’s leg and he almost jerks away from it, out of reflex.

‘Can I lie down with you?’ Kihyun asks. He sounds so small. It’s a shame that he has to ask, that this isn’t something natural anymore. If you’d stayed, Changkyun wants to say, if you’d listened to me and stayed, you wouldn’t be feeling like this now. We wouldn’t be hurting.

‘Yes,’ Changkyun says, makes some space for Kihyun and then claims it back. For a second it’s almost like it used to be: Kihyun’s warm chest under Changkyun’s cheek, his hand carding through his hair. Just for a second it feels like Changkyun can breathe again, like maybe Kihyun never went away and this really was just a nightmare, like maybe he never even had to miss him. Kihyun presses a kiss to the crown of Changkyun’s head and it’s so soft and normal that Changkyun thinks maybe they can go back to what they had.

But Kihyun’s breath hiccups from silent sobs and he doesn’t smell like he used to and there’s a scar on the back of his hand that Changkyun doesn’t recognise and he won’t stop saying sorry, even when he’s apologising for all the wrong things.

Changkyun keeps his eyes closed, grips Kihyun’s sweater a little tighter. Maybe, like this, he can at least pretend.

 

It’s been almost a month since Kihyun came back when Changkyun catches him take sleeping pills.

They don’t brush their teeth together anymore like they used to and as stupid as it sounds, Changkyun misses it. Has always missed it. It’s something terribly domestic, a detail so small he’d taken it for granted until Kihyun left.

He didn’t even know that Kihyun was in the bathroom; the light was off. He just walked in. Walked in, watched Kihyun knock back some pills, drop the little box when he noticed Changkyun, guilt and shame and defence flicking over his face in quick succession.

‘What are you – you have insomnia?’ Changkyun asks, picking up the box.

Kihyun nods. His breath goes fast and Changkyun doesn’t trust him.

But people change, that’s what he learnt. Kihyun used to be an early riser, went to sleep at ten pm every night, got up without trouble every day at six thirty. Sometimes he’d set an alarm for three am just to make Changkyun go to bed, too.

Changkyun weighs the box in his hands. It’s light, almost empty, and Changkyun wonders how long he’s been taking these.

Kihyun reaches out for it but Changkyun doesn’t give it to him. ‘Is there anything else I should know about?’

‘I’m fine,’ Kihyun says but he’s lying. He must be lying. Changkyun wonders what the truth would sound like, imagines something like ‘I have PTSD’ or ‘I can’t sleep without you in my bed’ or ‘I have unlearnt how to love you’. Maybe all of them would be true.

‘Are you getting help?’ Changkyun asks.

Kihyun frowns. ‘What?’

‘You’re not fine. Everyone can see it. If you don’t want to talk to me, alright, your loss. But if it’s not me you should talk so someone else. A professional.’

Kihyun hesitates for a second, then steps into Changkyun’s space and suddenly he’s too close. Changkyun can smell his mint toothpaste in the air between them, can see all of the little moles on his face that he used to memorise like constellations and without thinking, without even looking at his mouth, Changkyun kisses him.

It’s quick, over before it even starts. Changkyun pulls back, touches his mouth like he could take it back, like it’s something he should regret, trying to keep his heart in his chest.

Kihyun looks at him for an endless moment before he grabs Changkyun by the back of his neck and pulls him back in, crashes them against each other. Kihyun’s kissing him like he’s devouring him, like Changkyun is the last fresh breath of air, and Changkyun can’t get close enough. He feels Kihyun moulded against him, feels him all around him, his fingers digging into his back, and fuck, he’s missed this. Missed the way Kihyun gasps against his lips when Changkyun pushes closer. Missed how Kihyun always –

‘Stop,’ Kihyun whispers and pulls away. ‘Changkyun, stop.’

Changkyun does. Somehow the box is back on the floor. Kihyun notices it, too, and picks it up, pressing it against his sternum like it’s something valuable.

‘I’m sorry,’ Kihyun says. ‘I’m going to fall asleep in thirty minutes, we shouldn’t… I’m sorry.’

He brushes past Changkyun and then he’s gone.

 

Changkyun searches the bathroom and Kihyun’s bedroom when Kihyun’s at work. He knows he shouldn’t be snooping around but he can’t bring himself to feel guilty, not when everything about Kihyun is so wrong.

He doesn’t find anything anyway. Kihyun must have hidden the pills really well, or got rid of them. Whatever it is, it just confirms Changkyun’s assumptions. Maybe these pills weren’t prescribed. Maybe Kihyun doesn’t know what dose to take and that scares Changkyun more than anything.

Kihyun’s room is suspiciously unremarkable in its entirety. It feels empty, like Kihyun isn’t really living here.

Maybe Kihyun isn’t really living.

 

‘Kihyun?’

Kihyun is sitting at his desk, staring at a document on his laptop, when Changkyun seeks him out. ‘Hm?’

It’s uncharacteristic, like so many things lately. It’s way past midnight and Kihyun’s still awake. He hasn’t cooked a single meal since he came back. Doesn’t scold Hyungwon for leaving dirty dishes everywhere or not picking up his clothes in the bathroom.

There’s so much wrong here that Changkyun doesn’t know where to start.

‘Can I sleep here with you?’ he asks.

Kihyun doesn’t turn around. ‘Okay.’

Changkyun lies down on Kihyun’s bed, facing him from the side. The blue light from the laptop makes his skin look sickish, makes the circles under his eyes more pronounced. ‘You should go to sleep, too.’

‘Hm. Yeah.’

‘Come on, Kihyun.’

Kihyun sighs and shuts his laptop. ‘I’m just going to brush my teeth.’

Changkyun listens to him, the familiar noises of bare feet on wooden floor, the squeak of the bathroom sink, running water. Kihyun used to hum and sing in the bathroom because the acoustics were best there, he’d said. But Kihyun doesn’t sing anymore.

Changkyun wonders if there’s a single thing about Kihyun that stayed the same.

Kihyun comes back, switches off the light, crawls under the covers with a cool gust of night air. But he is warm, shoulder pressed against Changkyun’s, and Changkyun allows himself to shuffle closer. Kihyun lets him, unresponsive.

‘Did you take sleeping pills again?’ Changkyun asks.

‘No,’ Kihyun says.

Why did you stop, Changkyun wants to ask. Why did you even start? But he doesn’t say anything, just threads his fingers through Kihyun’s, listens to his even breath.

This should feel good. It should feel familiar and normal and relaxing, but it doesn’t. It doesn’t. It feels like there’s an hourglass and the sand is running out too fast, like their time together is hurtling towards the end and Changkyun doesn’t know why.

‘How do we fix this?’ Changkyun asks quietly. ‘How do I fix you?’

Kihyun doesn’t say anything for so long Changkyun almost accepts that he won’t ever get an answer. ‘You can’t fix me, Changkyun.’

‘Then what can?’

‘Nothing. There’s nothing to fix.’

‘Don’t say that. What’s wrong with you?’

‘Nothing.’

‘Kihyun.’ Changkyun rolls onto his side, pushed up on his elbow. Kihyun is nothing but a shape in the dark. ‘Tell me what you’re feeling. Please.’

Another long silence. The speed of Kihyun’s breathing picks up. ‘It feels – it feels like there’s a hole in my chest. Like I’m missing something so much but I can’t tell what. Like I miss everything in the world at once.’

Changkyun didn’t expect an answer or honesty.

‘And I don’t know what to do with myself,’ Kihyun says. His voice is shaking now. ‘How to make it stop.’

‘It must be so strange for you to stay in one place again,’ Changkyun replies. ‘I guess you just need to give yourself time to get used to it. Let yourself realise that it’s okay to stay somewhere. That’s okay. I’ll help you.’

‘Maybe you’re right.’

‘Of course I am.’

Kihyun doesn’t say anything else, but he pulls Changkyun closer. Maybe things will be fine one day. Maybe Kihyun can relearn how to have a home in Changkyun.

Changkyun doesn’t want to know what will happen if he doesn’t. When he finally falls asleep he dreams that Kihyun flies away like that pink balloon at the airport, floating off into space. There is no place in the world for me, he’s saying. There is nothing for me here.


	2. Chapter 2

It takes a while to convince him but eventually Kihyun goes out with them. Hyungwon is annoyed that it took so long but Changkyun is just happy that he agreed at all when it looked like he never would.

They are sitting in their favourite sushi bar now. In retrospect that wasn’t one of Changkyun’s most brilliant ideas since Kihyun isn’t a huge fan of fish, but he’d still agreed. He’s still here, next to Changkyun where he should belong. Except that it doesn’t feel that way.

The whole evening is a little surreal, though, because Kihyun laughs along to Changkyun’s bad jokes and bickers with Hyungwon just how he used to and at the end of it, when they are walking back to Hyungwon’s car, Kihyun takes Changkyun’s hand.

He’s been right, Changkyun figures, feeling warm and happy. Kihyun just needs time.

 

It’s almost two am when Changkyun’s phone vibrates. Instagram. Kihyun tagged him in a photo.

Changkyun squints at the screen. Kihyun never uses social media, hadn’t really used it even before he left. Changkyun didn’t even know that he still had his account.

It’s a picture of Changkyun’s sushi dish. Changkyun had used soy sauce to draw a puppy on the white porcelain just to make Kihyun smile. Changkyun’s tagged on the drawing, Hyungwon on a piece of soggy salad.

Thank you, the caption reads. Thank you, I was happy.

Changkyun likes the photo, comments ‘I was happy too~’ under Hyungwon’s ‘ugh I liked you better when you were quiet’ and locks his phone.

This is good, he thinks. Kihyun’s different but maybe there can be positive changes, too.

 

One late afternoon Kihyun comes home with his hair dyed to a reddish brown. Changkyun recognises a bit of his old energy, his movements sharper, more confident. He barges in not even trying to be quiet, drops his backpack right next to his feet while shrugging out of his jacket. Changkyun’s smiling before Kihyun even sees him where he’s sitting at the kitchen table.

‘Well, damn, look at you,’ he says. ‘Handsome.’

Kihyun grins back with dimples and teeth, and Changkyun thinks, _this_. This is the person I fell in love with.

‘I thought I should try something new,’ Kihyun says. He ruffles his hair and straightens it again, and Changkyun wants to touch it. Touch him. Wants it so badly he can feel his blood rushing.

‘What a brilliant idea.’

‘You like it?’

‘I love it.’

‘Come here, then.’

Changkyun scrambles up, lets Kihyun pull him in and push him flush against the wall. He’s electric wherever they touch, every bit of skin, every bit of body heat – it’s fire. He’s waited two months for this. Two years. A whole lifetime. Waited so long for Kihyun to touch him like this again, to burn him up, for him to run his hands under Changkyun’s shirt and breathe him in like he’s still all he ever wanted.

‘Take me to your room,’ Changkyun says.

Kihyun doesn’t answer, just smiles and takes Changkyun by the wrist.

 

Kihyun’s passed out next to Changkyun in all his naked glory, skin still hot and sticky from sweat. Changkyun should wake him up, make him take a shower, but for now he’s content just looking. Just thinking about how this felt like the first time all over again because it’s been so long.

Changkyun’s been thinking that this might never happen again. He’s been thinking that maybe he should have forgotten about Kihyun when he realised he wouldn’t come back for a while. That maybe he shouldn’t have waited at all.

Looking at Kihyun now, peacefully asleep, it’s hard to grasp just how much has changed. How much has happened, to both of them. Right now it’s like time doesn’t exist – it’s just Kihyun, slightly altered from who he was two years ago, and yet so much the same.

And even if everything is a little off, there is one thing that stayed – Changkyun still loves him. He feels it in every fibre of his being whenever he looks at Kihyun, whenever Kihyun looks at him.

And Kihyun – Kihyun loves him, too. He has to. He wouldn’t have come back otherwise, Changkyun thinks. He takes Kihyun’s hand and holds him a little tighter.

 

They are still lying in bed, even though it’s way past breakfast time and the sun is trying to sneak past the blinds. None of them showered yesterday, so now Changkyun feels icky and disgusting but not enough to leave Kihyun’s comfortable embrace.

Kihyun wants to say something, Changkyun knows. He’s been clearing his throat, breathing in like he is about to confess something. Changkyun just waits, forcing himself to be patient.

‘What have you been up to?’ Kihyun asks finally. ‘You know when I…’ When I left you alone for too long.

Changkyun honestly thought Kihyun didn’t care. Kind of accepted that he’d never ask. He looks at Kihyun now but Kihyun won’t meet his eyes, just stares at the loose threat he’s been fidgeting with.

‘I graduated,’ Changkyun says. ‘Then I got a job. Then I got promoted. Now I’m here.’

Kihyun doesn’t say anything and Changkyun wonders what kind of answer he expected. ‘What have you been up to?’ he asks. That’s only fair.

‘Travelling,’ Kihyun says.

‘Where to?’

‘Everywhere.’

Changkyun extracts himself from Kihyun’s arms and rolls out of bed. The air in the room is cold and used-up but the bubble of frustration makes his face feel hot. He’s going to snap again, he thinks. If Kihyun pushes him more he’s going to snap.

‘Changkyun,’ Kihyun calls from the bed but Changkyun can’t look at him. He won’t. Kihyun isn’t really here, isn’t really with him, so it doesn’t even matter. Changkyun was stupid to believe otherwise. He leaves, leaves Kihyun, leaves the house and only comes back when the night made the city quiet.

The next day Kihyun’s hair is back to black.

 

‘You and Kihyun,’ Jooheon says, stirring his americano. The ice cubes clink against the glass. ‘Are you even still a thing?’

Changkyun looks down at his own drink. It’s too sugary, too sticky, but it kept him busy and at least a little safe from Jooheon’s questions. They haven’t seen each other in four months since Jooheon went on a semester abroad and Changkyun had been so scared. So scared history would repeat itself, that another person would leave him but Jooheon didn’t. He wouldn’t, Changkyun knows that now. Jooheon had called him every week and tagged him in memes every second day and said things like, bro, they just don’t get me the way you do.

Now Jooheon’s back and everything is the same, so of course he’d ask.

Are you even still a thing?

‘Yes,’ Changkyun says. ‘No. Maybe? I – don’t know.’

Jooheon squints at him. ‘The hell does that mean?’

‘He won’t really talk to me but we’re still – we still do like, couple stuff and so on.’

‘Has he apologised for not keeping you in the loop?’

‘Kind of. But he’s still keeping me out.’

Jooheon’s quiet for a moment. Clink, clink, clink. The ice is starting to melt. ‘I don’t know if this is a good idea.’

‘What?’

‘Kihyun. Look, I know you don’t want to hear this but sometimes things just don’t work out.’

‘He just needs more time,’ Changkyun says. A part of him knows what Jooheon’s getting it, even agrees, but he’s waited so long. Has put so much time and energy into the thought that Kihyun will come back for him, that Kihyun would keep his words and come back – and he did. He’s not the same but he’s back and Changkyun wants to trust him. Wants to close his eyes in front of reality and say, god I would have waited a lifetime for you.

‘Sure,’ Jooheon says. ‘But how much more time are you willing to waste?’

The hourglass, Changkyun thinks. It’s back and the sand is running through his fingers no matter how hard he tries to push it back.

 

Communication is key, that’s what they say. But what if your partner won’t communicate? What if he ignores you and you have to piece together whatever happened to him yourself? Would it really be so wrong to sneak into his room and hack into his laptop?

Yes, Changkyun thinks as he types in the password. It’s wrong. But so is everything else, so what does it matter? Even if Kihyun happened to catch him – which he won’t – Changkyun has the better arguments. He can hear the discussion in his head, can imagine Kihyun’s guilt clear as day, and a part of him wants to be caught. Wants the confrontation just so he can shout all the things at Kihyun that he hasn’t already said. Do I still mean anything to you, how many times have you lied to me, if you’re going to leave me anyway then why did you come back at all…

Changkyun clicks through Kihyun’s folders. Finds nothing. Nothing at all. It’s suspicious how clean Kihyun’s laptop is, almost as though he expected someone to come looking for something. Even his browsing history is cleared.

Changkyun sits back, gnawing at his fingernail. He’s already gone this far, he can go a little further. It’s been a while since the last time Changkyun’s searched Kihyun’s room and back then he’d been looking for something else entirely, so maybe…

Nothing. No memory stick, no hard drive, no photos. No documents. Changkyun wonders where Kihyun keeps his passport, if he just takes it with him wherever he goes. The thought feels like ice on his spine; maybe Kihyun keeps all the important bits with him, so he can escape whenever he feels like it. Maybe he never planned on staying. Maybe he’s just stopping by.

He shouldn’t have come back, Changkyun thinks, trying to get his breath back under control. He shouldn’t have come back because it would have been hard to let him go then, but now it’s impossible.

 

Kihyun posted something again. It’s at five am this time and Changkyun only notices because he has notifications on for him now and the ‘ping’ of his phone startled him awake.

At first Changkyun doesn’t know what he’s looking at. Something black and white, in sharp contrast, grainy because of some artsy filter. He realises it’s Kihyun’s hand in sharp relief. There isn’t much light. It’s pretty aesthetic, Changkyun figures. The kind of picture Kihyun would have put into his portfolio if he’d ever stuck with his photography course.

There’s a caption, too: _Sometimes instead of finding where you belong you lose the one place where you did._

Changkyun gets up, crosses the hallway and barges into Kihyun’s room without knocking.

Kihyun’s not in his bed as expected. He’s sitting on the floor with his back against the frame, knees pulled up to his chin. He slants a look at Changkyun when he comes in but he doesn’t seem surprised.

Now that Changkyun’s here he can’t really think of what to say. Just seconds ago there had been a whole swarm of words clogging his throat, too many thoughts and too many accusations and too many demands, but now there’s nothing.

‘I just saw your post,’ Changkyun says.

Kihyun nods. ‘Okay.’

Changkyun sits down next to Kihyun, not close enough to touch. He’d go up in flames if they did. He’d forget himself.

‘Is that really how you feel?’ Changkyun asks after a while. He should have taken his blanket. The floor is cold and he’s tired and Kihyun’s body heat is too inviting.

Kihyun nods again.

Maybe Changkyun should just ask. Collect his courage and ask because anything’s better than this silence.

‘Kihyun,’ he says. ‘What do you think we are?’

Kihyun looks over at him. ‘Are you breaking up with me?’

‘I’m asking you what you think we are.’

‘What we’ve always been, I guess.’

‘You guess.’

‘Yeah. I don’t know what you think we are. I don’t even know if you really want this.’

Of course I want this, Changkyun thinks. But not like this. ‘Do you still love me?’

This is the most important and most dangerous question. It could make all other questions irrelevant if the answer’s going to be no, and Changkyun wishes he hadn’t asked. Maybe not knowing for sure would be better after all.

Kihyun opens his mouth and hesitates. Changkyun doesn’t wait for him to say anything, just gets up and lunges for the door handle but then Kihyun’s on his feet and pulling him by the wrist. ‘Changkyun, wait –’

‘You don’t,’ Changkyun says. ‘You don’t.’

Kihyun doesn’t let him go no matter how hard he struggles and there’s something desperate on his face, too, not that Changkyun cares right now. He just wants to get away, get out, get Kihyun to stop touching him because it hurts.

‘Changkyun, wait, of course I love you, it’s just –’ Kihyun’s closer now, too close, pressing Changkyun against the door. He’s pinned Changkyun’s wrists above his head and he feels his own pulse harsh and wild where he holds him. Every breath is Kihyun’s scent and every move is against Kihyun’s skin and Changkyun can’t get _away_. ‘– It’s just, I don’t know how to do this anymore, it’s hard right now, okay, but I can’t lose you. I thought about you every day when I was gone, I never once forgot you or stopped –‘

‘Then why did you _leave_?!’

‘You know why –‘

‘You’re so fucking selfish, Kihyun.’ Changkyun can’t tell if he’s screaming or whispering. Kihyun’s flush against him now and he doesn’t know if he wants to push him away or hold him so close that he can never leave again.

‘I know,’ Kihyun says. His breath is hot on Changkyun’s skin and he feels his resolve slipping, slipping, slipping. ‘I know, I’m sorry, but if you still want me I’m here. I know you still want this. You wouldn’t have come here if you didn’t.’

It doesn’t fit to Kihyun’s earlier statement and Changkyun briefly wonders if Kihyun’s playing some sort of sick game here but then Kihyun’s mouth is on his jugular and he forgets everything. Forgets that Kihyun still owes him answers and two years worth of memories.

It only lasts for a second though. Kihyun pulls away, releases Changkyun’s wrists and takes a step back. Changkyun’s head is spinning.

‘I’m so sorry, Changkyun,’ Kihyun says.

Sorry doesn’t cut it, Changkyun thinks. Sorry doesn’t fucking mean anything anymore.

‘I wish I could say you shouldn’t have come back,’ Changkyun replies, opening the door. ‘But I just wish you hadn’t left.’

 

Relationships are like scales, Changkyun thinks. One of those old ones with weights made of bronze and lead. You’re supposed to keep it equal but at some point the other side asks for more and you think, well. Maybe just this once it’s okay. You’ll get it back, right? So you give and give and the balance tips and you still think you can get it all back some time.

Except sometimes you don’t. You lose everything and then find yourself suspended in the air, unable to give more but the other side keeps asking, asking, asking. But you’re empty. You’re done. You don’t have anything left to give. You can’t say anything, not even no, you’re stuck in this perpetual emptiness, feeling guilty despite not being the one who kept everything for themselves.

Relationships are like scales. A delicate, sensitive equilibration. Easily tipped off kilter, so easily, but so difficult to fix. Especially when it’s only one side trying.

‘You have to wait a little longer,’ Kihyun says quietly. ‘Can you wait a bit longer?’

And Changkyun just nods, because what else is there?

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tell me what you think
> 
>  
> 
> [twitter](https://twitter.com/ki_jaemjen)


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> warning for some mild non-con

Changkyun sits in his room, gazing out of the open window. The rain is drumming on the window sill with a million gentle fingertips and even though it’s cold out, there’s a freshness in the air that reminds Changkyun of a spring when things were easier.

A spring when they’d just fallen in love and Kihyun was made of bright smiles and fidgety hands and they went on dates every week and Changkyun never even had to question whether Kihyun loved him back. He just always knew. And they went to parks and Changkyun would point out the different birds and Kihyun would listen to his lame biology facts and seem so interested. He’d always listen. And he’d always talk when Changkyun ran out of words, would make up for silences when they didn’t need them.

Now – now they are so quiet. No one is listening, no one is talking about anything. Changkyun tries, god knows he does, but now Kihyun is made of brick walls and a distance Changkyun can’t cross.

The rain intensifies, the wind turning. Drops find their way into Changkyun’s room, splattering on the floor and occasionally his face, his legs, but he doesn’t care. It’s the good kind of rain. The kind of day where you curl up inside and watch whatever old movies are on TV with whatever old snacks you find at the back of the cupboard.

Or the kind of day where you sit in front of your window, staring at the crying sky, and think about all the things circumstance has taken from you.

It rains and rains and Changkyun thinks he might be crying, too.

The door opens with a soft click and Kihyun comes into the room, sitting down next to Changkyun. He sets two steaming cups down on the floor between them, the scent of fresh coffee rising up.

No one says anything. The silence stretches out into endlessness and Changkyun thinks about every minute Kihyun has spent away from him, longing for every single one.

Because Kihyun is right here, right beside him, and Changkyun can hold him as close as he wants but Kihyun is a million miles away.

‘Changkyun,’ Kihyun says. His voice is nothing more than a breath, like a prayer he no longer believes in. It breaks Changkyun’s heart before he even hears the rest. ‘Changkyun, I think I should move out.’

Changkyun closes his eyes. There’s water on his face and for a second he can’t tell whether it’s tears or rain.

But I just got you back, he wants to say. You can’t leave, not when I just got you back.

But Changkyun never really did, so he doesn’t say anything.

Kihyun takes his cup, blowing off the steam and taking a sip before putting it back down. ‘This isn’t working. I mean, me living here. And I don’t want to lose you like that.’

Like what? Haven’t you already lost me? Haven’t you already given me up? Aren’t you just running away?

‘Okay,’ Changkyun says.

Silence again but it’s heavy now. Changkyun’s hypersensitive to the noises Kihyun makes, his soft breathing, the way he swallows, his fingers trailing the seam of his sweatpants, so he opens his eyes again. The world is dull outside. No spring. Everything is dead.

Kihyun gets up, bending down to kiss the top of Changkyun’s head and Changkyun almost flinches away from the touch.

‘Okay,’ Kihyun says and leaves, taking his own coffee with him. Once the door closes, Changkyun takes the other cup and hurls it out of the window so hard that his arm protests, the hot coffee splashing over his hand and burning his skin. The sound of the porcelain smashing on the street below is muted in the downpour, muted like everything inside Changkyun, and he watches it shatter, watches the white shards fan out, scattering like all the loose pieces of Changkyun’s heart.

Maybe it’s time to break things.

 

Two weeks later, Kihyun moves. Turns out he’d already found a place before he even told Changkyun, a fifteen minute bus ride away from their place. Just Hyungwon’s and Changkyun’s now.

Hyungwon’s been keeping an eye on Changkyun. He keeps asking if he’s okay but he’s obviously not. Kihyun has been treating him more and more like a stranger the last few weeks despite sometimes coming to sleep in Changkyun’s bed, pressed against his back. There were some moments when Changkyun thought it was getting better, like when they were arguing over what colour Kihyun’s new bedroom walls should be painted and eventually Kihyun had given in. Sometimes it felt like it was Kihyun and Changkyun moving in together.

But it isn’t. It’s just Kihyun. Moving away from Changkyun yet again.

Changkyun is afraid. Afraid of what it will do to their relationship. He figures that maybe this is Kihyun cutting himself loose completely, just the first step before a seemingly inevitable breakup. He’s afraid of Kihyun and all the strange thoughts in his head and afraid of what he’ll do when there’s no one around to check on him. He thinks of sleeping pills and the way Kihyun had clutched the box to his chest, wide-eyed.

Changkyun’s so afraid. But he doesn’t know what to do, either.

 

It’s the third day without Kihyun and every second feels like he’s back where he was for two years; some indefinite, faraway destination that is somehow both worse and better than Changkyun. Really, Kihyun is reachable, Changkyun can call him or go knock on his door, but still – when it’s one am and the darkness feels huge and hollow, Changkyun feels alone. So alone. And it hurts so much to be reminded of these feelings that Changkyun thought he could finally put away for good.

His chest squeezes tight, like it’s building up tension for the outburst and Changkyun holds his breath. His lungs burn. His throat feels full and narrow and the next breath rattles all the way through his body, shaking everything apart.

He misses Kihyun. He misses him. He’s never stopped, not once since he left, and he wonders if this will ever end.

He gets up, crosses the hallway, opens Hyungwon’s door because knocking is useless with someone who sleeps like a log. He crawls into his bed, feeling Hyungwon’s long frame stretch out next to him and it’s a small comfort. He’s not alone, he tells himself. Hyungwon’s here, like he’s always been, and Hyungwon won’t leave. Neither would Jooheon.

It’s just a shame, Changkyun thinks, it’s just a shame that the one person he really needed to stay never cared about that.

Hyungwon makes a throaty noise, stirring and eventually turning over to squint at Changkyun with puffy eyes. It’s bordering on a miracle and Changkyun wonders what exactly woke him up.

‘Kyun?’ Hyungwon asks. Changkyun realises that it’s been years since the last time Changkyun’s crawled into his bed. He didn’t do this not even right after Kihyun left.

‘Can I sleep here tonight please?’ Changkyun asks, his voice small even to his own ears.

Hyungwon seems to pick up on all the things Changkyun isn’t saying. ‘You wanna talk first?’

‘I don’t know how.’

It’s quiet for a while and Hyungwon wraps his arms around Changkyun. It’s so different than when Kihyun or Jooheon hug him like this but it’s nice nonetheless.

‘I think you’re hurting yourself,’ Hyungwon says quietly. ‘None of you have a chance to heal like this, so I think you should take a break. To take care of yourselves.’

Changkyun swallows. He knows Hyungwon’s right but who will take care of Kihyun? Because Kihyun isn’t doing it for sure. ‘But Kihyun needs me.’

‘He doesn’t,’ Hyungwon says. ‘I’m sorry, Changkyun, but he doesn’t. And you don’t need him, either. We should sleep and talk about it tomorrow. Okay?’

‘Okay.’

But all that must be a lie. There has never been a time where Changkyun needed Kihyun more, where he wanted to be needed more.

All of it hurts.

 

Kihyun’s new flat looks like one of those you can buy out of a catalogue, like the ones they present at IKEA that _look_ like home but never feel like it and you think, well, this is nice. It looks good but there is nothing personal here. No clutter, no pictures on the walls, no quirks or books or collections of anything. It’s sterile of anything that could make these spaces shout _Kihyun_ , devoid of any form of character. It’s a pretty flat, tasteful and tidy, but it’s completely empty.

Changkyun is sitting on the grey couch. It still smells like plastic wrappings and stockroom.

Kihyun is in the small adjacent kitchen, silently making coffee. He’d sent Changkyun away when he’d tried to help, telling him to make himself comfortable, but Changkyun feels like a guest. Is that all he is in Kihyun’s life now – a guest? Without any staying power? Is that all they are now, despite everything?

Kihyun comes over with a small tray and puts it down on the coffee table.

‘Do you like it?’ he asks, gesturing around the room, a small nervous smile on his lips like he’s talking to a stranger.

Changkyun shakes his head. ‘I liked it better when you were home.’

‘You mean your place?’

_Your place_. No more _our_.

No, Changkyun wants to say. No, I liked it better when you were the only thing I belonged to, when you anchored me and I anchored you, when you felt like the one person I could spend a thousand lives with.

Changkyun nods anyway.

‘Having some space is good for us,’ Kihyun says.

‘Didn’t you have enough space the past two years?’

Kihyun narrows his eyes at Changkyun’s sharp tone. ‘How many times do I have to say sorry?’

‘Maybe until it will stop sounding like a fucking lie! What _are_ we, Kihyun? If you – if you want to end this why won’t you just tell me? Because it’s hard, to wait around for it while I know this isn’t working.’

‘What? I don’t want to break up, I – Changkyun.’

‘ _What_? Maybe _I_ should break up, huh? Hyungwon said you don’t need me anyway and maybe, maybe if I try hard enough I won’t need _you_.’

‘What in hell has _Hyungwon_ –‘

‘Shut up. Shut up. I’m breaking up with you.’

‘You can’t break up with me, Changkyun.’

‘No?’

Kihyun smiles. ‘Because you love me. And you need me, you know that. I’m right here and I’m not leaving you again, it’s just that things are different now.’

They stare at each other and the anger bleeds out of Changkyun like he’s been pierced by Kihyun’s words. He wants to shout, no, I never needed you, but that would be a lie. Kihyun is right with everything, as always. Changkyun needs him and even if Kihyun doesn’t, he thinks it will always end this way. Even if Kihyun did things that are unforgivable, Changkyun could never walk away, not from him. Never from him.

‘Do you want to kiss me?’ Kihyun asks and Changkyun nods, leaning forward like he’s being pulled by an invisible force, pressing against Kihyun.

Kihyun kisses him slowly at first, languid and lazy. Changkyun lets him lick into his mouth, burying his hand in Kihyun’s hair while the other grips onto his shirt, holding him closer. He lets out a sound when Kihyun bites his lip, pulling back.

‘Don’t be careful,’ Kihyun whispers and there’s a hint of desperation in his voice that makes Changkyun pause. ‘I need you to kiss me so hard I won’t remember anything else.’

‘Kihyun –‘ But Kihyun’s kissing him again, harder, pushing him back into his new couch. His hands are everywhere, digging into Changkyun’s skin under his shirt, strong and unrelenting. Changkyun’s head is thick with fog, trying to catch a clear thought in the midst of heat, but it’s impossible with Kihyun’s body pressing against his own, such a familiar weight but sort of scary at once.

Changkyun lets Kihyun take, take, take what he wants. Lets him run his fingers over this throat, tightening until he feels lightheaded, floating, surreal. Lets him bite the shell of his ear, hiking his legs up and around Kihyun’s waist, pulling them so close together that it’s impossible to tell where Changkyun ends and Kihyun starts. He can feel his blood rushing, his body reacting when something at the back of his mind keeps telling him something is wrong, so _wrong_ , but Kihyun doesn’t stop again, keeps him hostage in a world between pleasure and pain.

Because it _hurts_. Every expansion of his lungs burns like he’s breathing acid, every kiss tastes like another crack in Changkyun’s already fragile heart. Kihyun’s relentless, hungry mouth on him, devouring him and tarnishing his skin, his suffocating presence, everything feels wrong.

But this is what I wanted, Changkyun thinks, choking on a groan when Kihyun grinds his hips down. This is what I wanted, needed, always asked for, having you close. It feels good, he tells himself, in a sick, warped way, it still feels good because this is Kihyun and Changkyun loves every bit of him, even his edges.

Kihyun makes a sound akin to a wordless demand, hands fumbling roughly with Changkyun’s belt. Oxygen rushes through his system and then Kihyun’s hand his back, cutting it off, pressing his windpipe closed. Stop, Changkyun wants to say, but his grip is so tight and his vision is slowly bleeding into black and a part of it feels so good, like letting everything go and handing it to Kihyun. Changkyun’s bare from the waist down, he notes absently, and it’s too late now anyway, too late to turn this back around when Kihyun has already gone so far.

Changkyun doesn’t have the strength to stop him, just lets him. Lets him take more and gives everything, gives it all until there’s nothing left.

 

‘You’re so stupid,’ Hyungwon says softly, eyes full of sympathy and simmering rage. ‘You’re breaking yourself for him.’

Changkyun looks at himself in the hallway mirror again. His clothes are covering him mostly but there are purple bite marks on his neck, a line of bruises around his throat. The bags under his eyes are dark and his cheeks are red with shame, just because he didn’t know how to say no to Kihyun. He’s never learnt how. All this time it had only ever been yes, because what Kihyun wanted was automatically something Changkyun wanted as well, just by default. Until it was suddenly not and Changkyun left Kihyun’s flat aching everywhere with a head full of cotton, feeling like a broken whore.

He’d come home crying, wincing with every step, a used empty shell. It had hurt. It still hurts. Everything.

Hyungwon gently reaches for his shoulder and turns him away from the mirror. There’s genuine concern on his face. ‘Go take a shower and then go to sleep. I’ll call Jooheon over. He needs to talk some sense into you.’

Changkyun nods, dragging himself into the bathroom and carefully stepping out of his clothes again.

Kihyun is probably still peacefully asleep on his couch, passed out from everything. He’ll never see the bruises, will never see what he did to Changkyun. Changkyun won’t let him. Kihyun would apologise profusely, telling him some beautiful made up words to soothe him but Changkyun knows he wouldn’t be sorry, hasn’t been while he was doing it in the first place.

The water is hot and cleansing but even after a long time under the spray, every inch of his skin scrubbed clean, Changkyun feels dirty.

 

Jooheon and Hyungwon take Changkyun out for lunch. It’s a nice little place, bright and full of flowers, and Changkyun orders himself the sandwich the waitress recommends. For a moment it’s easy to pretend that this is just a casual hangout with his best friends, that there’s nothing wrong in the world.

But Kihyun is missing in the picture. He hasn’t tried to contact Changkyun the past two days and Changkyun isn’t sure if that’s a good thing or not. He hasn’t tried, either, because he’s not sure what he’d say. It probably wouldn’t matter because Kihyun would twist his words until he gets what he wants.

‘Right,’ Jooheon says once the waitress leaves. ‘You have to break up with him.’

‘I tried,’ Changkyun says.

They stare at him for a long moment. Hyungwon looks like he’s about to flip the table.

‘What do you mean, _tried_?’ Jooheon asks.

‘I said I’m breaking up with him and then he said, no, you love me, and he was right and then – then there was the rest.’

‘This can’t keep happening, Changkyun,’ Hyungwon says. ‘This isn’t healthy for either of you. You’ve got to let him go at some point before he – really hurts you.’

Changkyun thinks of Kihyun’s fingers closing around his throat. How his pulse had fluttered under his grip, how every breath felt like he was being dragged through mud. No _is this okay_? No _do you want me stop_? Never even a yes or no question, just always a yes.

But Kihyun never had to ask Changkyun for anything because Changkyun was willing to give it anyway, so really, Kihyun is not at fault here.

‘I could have said something but I didn’t,’ Changkyun says.

‘Because he’s a manipulative piece of –‘ Jooheon cuts himself off. ‘Please, Changkyun. We’re really worried.’

Hyungwon leans over the table a little. ‘Remember what I told you that night? At least take a break. Give yourselves some time apart, some _chosen_ and _agreed_ time, and if you find yourself happier without him, just… don’t go back to him. You deserve better.’

Changkyun nods slowly, thinking it over. Who decides who deserves what? Who decides who’s good enough and who isn’t? Who has the right to judge?

‘We’ll go with you if you want,’ Jooheon says.

‘Where?’ Changkyun asks.

‘To talk to Kihyun.’

‘No,’ Changkyun says. ‘It’s fine, I’ll talk to him alone.’

Jooheon and Hyungwon exchange a glance, like they don’t trust him. Changkyun can’t blame them. He doesn’t trust himself, either, and parts of him don’t even want to. Some parts of him, dark parts, want Kihyun to step over the line and just take him.

As long as it’s Kihyun it can’t be wrong, Changkyun thinks. It can’t be wrong, no matter how much it hurts, because being left behind again would always hurt more.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just can't bring myself to write the ending.
> 
> if you find any mistakes pls point them out to me and I'll fix them~

**Author's Note:**

> title means 'I was happy' but don't let it fool you
> 
> you can complain to me on [twitter](https://twitter.com/ki_jaemjen)


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